Lapius Debates Chiropractor

Daily Observer

November 29, 1974

 

 

 

            S.Q. Lapius is of course an elitist, and something of a snob.  He values people for their accomplishments, and thus his relationship with Turner Twist causes ambivalence and ambiguities that he finds difficult to resolve.  Twist was an excellent musician, a fine photographer, clever at chess.  So far, so good.  But Turner Twist had one vice that Lapius could never quite forgive.  He was a chiropractor.

            Lapius, good host that he was, carefully avoided the subject whenever they were together to play viola duets.  But this evening, just prior to rehearsal, Twist mentioned the subject.  “You have probably noticed, Simon, that the 93rd Congress has provided for limited coverage of chiropractic services under Medicare and Medicaid.”

            Lapius gave a violent start that almost fractured the neck of his fiddle.

            Twist laughed.  “Careful with the instrument, Simon.”       

            “Yes,” Lapius said darkly, “I almost caused what you fellows would call a subluxation.”

            “Of course.  And don’t worry, Simon.  If either your neck or that of the fiddle were subluxated, I could fix it for you.  Just a bit of manipulation,” Turner was in high humor.

            “That’s exactly what the whole business is, you fellows badgering the Congress to approve you as a medical science.  It’s just manipulation, Turner,” Lapius said acerbically.

            “You doctors are riding high and mighty, but you’ll come off your high horses soon.  After all, Lapius, we help people, too, otherwise we couldn’t maintain a practice.”

            “Sure you help people.  After three months of manipulations and several hundred dollars.”

            “What difference.  As long as we help them.”

            “Look Turner, I have patients of yours who come to me with fuzzy x-rays that they show me and ask me to point out the subluxation you told them they had.  What the deuce is a chiropractic subluxation?  I can’t even find the definition anywhere.”

            “Tut, tut, Simon, your pique is showing.  After all, some of my patients come from your office because you can’t treat their pains successfully.”

            “My grandmother could cure certain pains, but that didn’t make her a health professional.  The problem, Turner, is that chiropractic is a cult.  The Principles of Medical Ethics states that one should not base his practice on an exclusive dogma or sectarian system.  A cultist follows principles of dogma to the exclusion of scientific experience.”

            “What science do you fellows follow, Simon?  One year you are all taking out tonsils and the next year the practice is frowned upon!”

            “Precisely.  If it is proved injurious or wrong, we stop doing it.  But despite all that, chiropractors are always twisting necks based on the forlorn theory that the root of all disease is based somehow in nerve function that is distorted by misaligned vertebrae.  No doubt you’re able to help people.  I agree that if somehow you were not of assistance the public would give you no support whatsoever.  But the public also supports palmists, oracles, fortune tellers, food faddists, evangelists and weight guessers, all of whom somehow make people feel better.  But what has that got to do with being a medical profession.  You are still a cult, and should be considered as such.  Indeed the AMA lists chiropractic under their Committee on Quackery.  It seems paradoxical that at the same time that the government is setting up Professional Standards Review Organizations to monitor what doctors do with their patients, and are setting up audit committees to assure that all doctors practice according to the accepted principles of medical science, that they should even consider including chiropractic in their plans for nationalized health care.”

            “It makes you jealous, Simon, that Chiropractic is being elevated to the level of the profession of medicine in the governmental plans,” Turner said.

            “No.  If that could be done I would welcome it.  It makes me sad, however, that the scientific profession of medicine should be dragged down, in the eyes and minds of the public, to the level of a cult.  In other words, Turner,” Lapius said touching the mellow amber colored viola that Twist still held balanced on his thigh, “You wouldn’t ask a carpenter to make you a viola would you?”